


Live Through This

by postmortem



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Eating Disorders, F/F, Mental Health Issues, Swan Queen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-04 15:46:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6664651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/postmortem/pseuds/postmortem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Swan Queen AU, set to the songs on the album "Live Through This" by the band Hole.</p>
<p>Warning: Trigger warning for mental health issues / eating disorders / etc., so please take care of yourself if you get triggered by these kinds of things. <3</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Violet

“Okay ladies, that’s all for today. I will see you tomorrow three o’clock on the bus. Be on time, or you won’t play! You all did well today, so everyone has a chance tomorrow. Get enough sleep, it’s going to be a big day!”

Mary-Margaret Blanchard watched as the women she was coaching left the field, and headed to the showers, one after another. Only Ruby Lucas and Emma Swan stayed behind, and helped her gather all the gear and put it away. Both of them were her friends, and they always cleaned up together after their practices. Now Ruby was pointing to the parking lot, where her boyfriend Jefferson was waiting for her. “See you tomorrow girls, we’re going to rock it so hard! Love you guys!”

“Thank you, Ruby. Love you too! Have a good evening!” Mary-Margaret watched as the brunette with the long ponytail and the goalkeeper uniform waved at Emma and herself and said goodbye, before she ran towards her boyfriend’s red sports car. “Swan, a word please?”, she called out to Emma, while she smiled at Ruby and Jefferson’s shameless public display of affection when they were finally close enough to touch.

When she turned around, Emma Swan was standing by the benches, water bottle in her hand, and her head tilted in anticipation of what her coach and friend wanted to talk to her about. Mary-Margaret sighed. This was not going to be easy. Emma would be disappointed, and maybe even angry with her. But looking at the blonde standing in front of her now, as she walked toward her, the coach knew that it was the right thing to do. Emma’s cheeks were puffy, her hair had lost its natural shine, and her eyes were not as full of life as Mary-Margaret knew they could be. And she didn’t even want to know what was going on under all that soccer gear.

“Emma…”, she started, but was interrupted by her friend.

“I’m so excited for tomorrow, Mary-Margaret! Semi-finals! We’re almost there, and we have worked so hard… what is it? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Coach Blanchard bit her lip and looked at the ground. A few seconds passed, and she finally put her hand on Emma’s arm and looked at the blonde, her eyes full of worry and sympathy. It was a look that Emma hated.

“Em, you’re not playing tomorrow. I’m sorry.”

Emma pulled her arm away from the brunette’s hand and took a step back. “What are you talking about?”

“Look, I’m pretty sure you know exactly what I’m talking about. We have been there before. I know the signs, and you know that I know them. Emma, you have been relapsing again, and I’m worried, and I just can’t risk having you on the team like this. I can’t have anything happen to you while you’re under my watch. I’m sorry, Em.”

The tiniest hint of panic crossed Emma’s eyes.

“I’m fine, Mary-Margaret. Please don’t do this. I’m totally okay, and I don’t know why you’d think otherwise. I promise I can play!”

Mary-Margaret hated doing this. Ever since she had met Emma, she had seen her friend struggle, and then get better. And then she’d started getting worse again. And then better. And suddenly, about two years ago, things had started to improve. Emma had left her asshole boyfriend, Killian, rented a small apartment by the river, and quit her regular job to concentrate on her true love - soccer. Soon enough, she had an offer from the Ugly Ducklings - the team that she, Mary-Margaret, was coaching - which she gladly accepted. Their time together on the team had brought the two women closer together. Many nights, Emma would stay at Mary-Margaret and her husband David’s house, cooking, watching movies, sometimes babysitting their son, Neal. Emma had found real friends in the slightly older couple. She had also befriended the team’s goalkeeper, Ruby, and spent many nights partying and just living life with her and her friends. She had seemed so much happier than Mary-Margaret had ever seen her.

And then, she had started to notice little cracks in the facade again. Just little incidents, which by themselves wouldn’t have rang any alarm bells. Talking her way out of dinner with them every once in a while, and then again not seeming to get enough food into her at other times. Trips to the bathroom. Hoarse voice. Not going grocery shopping with her anymore. It all started to add up, but Emma always seemed to have a good explanation for everything. And Mary-Margaret had really wanted to believe her. Until last night, when she’d made her discovery.

“Emma, you know I love you, and I would never pull you out of the team lightly. I just…”

Emma’s voice was nearly hysterical when she interrupted her. “You’re kicking me off the team? I am the best fucking player you have, and you just want to get rid of me?” Emma was suddenly furious. “You can’t do that, Mary-Margaret. You can’t let our private relationship influence your coaching. I am a part of this team, and there’s is nothing I love more than playing for all of us, and you can’t and you won’t take that away from me! Not for some stupid idea you seem to have stuck in your head, a stupid idea that is not at all the truth. I don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about, all I do know is that you’re being unfa…”

“Emma, goddammit, I found the bags! 1)”, Mary-Margaret said in a quiet, choked voice.

And there it was. A punch to the gut. All colour drained from Emma’s face. Her legs wobbled, and she let herself fall back onto a bench. She looked utterly defeated and broken. She lowered her face into her hands and whispered “when?”.

Mary-Margaret sank to her knees in front of her friend. “Yesterday, when I came to pick you up, and you were still in the shower. The smell, Emma. I knew what I would find before I even opened the closet. There were so many, sweetie… if you still get rid of them on garbage day, like you used to, then that was only three days ago, and there were so many bags… and there have been other things that I have seen. And you’ve been looking like hell, frankly. I didn’t say anything right away, because I could have been wrong. But I’m not wrong, am I, Emma?”

Emma pulled her hands away from her face and looked at her friend, horrified. Embarrassed, ashamed. She hadn’t expected her secret to come out again. She had been so careful. And Mary-Margaret had no right to go through her stuff. Everything was falling apart all of a sudden, and she could feel herself getting too weak to hold up all the glorious walls she’d built. She fought back the tears that threatened to spill, and focused her eyes on the goal posts on the other side of the soccer field.

“So what do you expect me to do? I am 29 years old, Mary-Margaret, this is one of my last chances to go to the final and win this thing. And instead I’ll be doing what? Sit at home and watch the livestream while stuffing my face and crying myself to sleep? How is that going to make anything better?”

Mary-Margaret took a deep breath and tried again to establish some comfort, putting her hands on Emma’s knees. “Look”, she said, “first of all, this is not your last chance. You could have several more years as a pro, and I’m not saying that you are not on this team anymore. You are! But if your health is as poorly as I suspect it is, I cannot risk it. I can’t risk it as a coach, and I most certainly can’t risk it as your friend. Emma, you know what happened last time. Your heart couldn’t handle it, you almost died, and I’m not watching you go through that again while I’m letting you. I will do all I can to be there as a friend, but as your coach, I’m afraid I can’t let you play or train anymore … I can’t support you when you’re killing yourself. Please Emma, get help!”

***

The next days were a blur. As soon as Emma got home, after basically running away from Mary-Margaret, she started dealing with what had happened in the most effective way she knew. She turned off her phone, locked the door, closed all the curtains, and stuffed herself with whatever she could find around the house. And when it was all gone, she had pizza delivered, and sandwiches, and Chinese food, and burgers, and French fries, and ice cream, and beer. _Eat until you can’t move, then eat some more, then make yourself vomit, then rinse and repeat._ She felt completely hopeless. She had thought that she had it under control, or at least that nobody had noticed. And now it all came crashing down on her, her best friend betraying her (in her mind, in that moment), the only thing that was important to her gone, once again she was useless, just like she had always been.

Emma wasn’t there when her team won their semi-final. She didn’t know that Ruby tried to call her several times a day. She wasn’t aware that little Neal had just taken his first steps without his favourite auntie. And she didn’t care when Mary-Margaret pounded on her door, begging to let her in.

When finally, after four days, Mary-Margaret brought David, who broke the lock on the door, Emma was lying passed out on her kitchen floor, vodka bottle in one hand, phone in the other.

She didn’t know that she was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. She didn’t know that Mary-Margaret cried by her side until her husband dragged her out of the room, and made her go home to sleep. She didn’t know that David came back, and sat by her bed for a whole night himself. She didn’t know how close she’d been to not ever waking up again. She didn’t know that she’d had a heart attack, because the organ couldn’t keep up with all she had put her body through.

When she woke up, it was nighttime, and she could see the moon through the window. In the faint light, she made out a figure slumped in a chair next to her bed. Mary-Margaret. She felt calm, and in no pain. Then she fell back asleep.

When she opened her eyes again, the sun was shining into the room, and Mary-Margaret was sitting at a small table, sipping coffee. When she realized that Emma was awake, she put the paper cup down, got up, came over, and sat on the edge of her bed. She took Emma’s hand into her own, and started stroking small circles into her palm. Emma didn’t know exactly what had happened, but she suddenly felt tears starting to stream down her own face, and she whispered:

“I need help.”

 

1) _About “the bags”: some bulimics and people with purging disorders throw up into plastic bags and store them until they get a chance to discard them._


	2. Miss World

It was a very new and modern building, much different than Emma had imagined. It didn’t scare her any less, but at least her home for the next weeks didn’t look like a haunted prison, not from the outside anyway. 

“Okay, let’s do this”, she said to Mary-Margaret, who was sitting in the driver’s seat, looking miserable. 

Before Emma could open her door, her friend held her back by her red leather jacket. “Emma… I will miss you so much! And I want you to know that whatever happens, I am always just a phone call away. I know this is hard, and I know that you’re here partly because of me. But I am so proud of you, you have no idea just how proud!”

Mary-Margaret’s eyes were shining with tears, and Emma slumped back into her seat. She looked at the brunette, and sneakily wiped away a tear of her own.

“Thank you, MM. And it’s not your fault that I’m here. I did all this to myself. You and David saved my life… and I feel like I’ve let you down. I just… I didn’t think clearly, you know?”

Mary-Margaret engulfed the blonde in a bear hug, peppering kisses all over her face and hair.

“You didn’t let us down, Emma, don’t ever think that. We all have our burdens and issues, and honestly, I could probably profit from actually going in there with you, with my princess complex and all. But in all seriousness, please don’t ever think that you have to apologize for anything. Me, David, Neal, Ruby, and all the others, we love you, and we want you back on that soccer field in a few months, showing everyone who’s the best damn player in the division. But for now, you need to just take care of yourself, and get better.”

Emma was properly crying by now, not used to so much compassion and love. She hugged her friend tighter, trying not to let on how incredibly scared she actually was, and how much doubt she had in her own ability to soon return to her old life, healthier and in recovery.

“Okay then”, she sobbed into Mary-Margaret’s hair, “I will do my best. I think I need to do this alone, so please leave now, or I will never let you go.”

Mary-Margaret nodded, and stroked her friend’s cheek. “You’re not alone, Emma. I know you still feel like you are sometimes, but you’re not. We are all in your corner, and even if we can’t be there with you physically, you’d better believe that we will be thinking of you. And we will visit you as soon as you’re allowed to have visitors!”

Emma nodded teary-eyed. Then she planted a kiss on Mary-Margaret’s forehead, and opened the car door. She took one last look at her best friend, then she got out of the car, shut the door, and opened the back door to retrieve her bag. 

“Give my love to my little man Neal. And tell David that I know he spent a whole night sitting in an uncomfortable chair in my hospital room, the nurse told me. And I’m really grateful for what he’s done for me. I love you, MM!”

With that, she shut the door, and turned around, facing her new home for the coming weeks.

She slung her bag over her shoulder, and started walking up the short path to the door of the clinic. She didn’t look back, knowing that Mary-Margaret was watching her. 

Her thoughts were a jumble of fear, and hope, and hesitance. She knew that she needed to do this. She also knew that she was incredibly scared, and that the loudest voice in her head told her to just run, far away from this place, from everything. But like on autopilot, her hand connected with the door handle, and then she was standing in a reception room with a desk in the corner, and a sweet looking older woman was smiling gently at her from behind it.

She walked slowly towards the receptionist, taking in her surroundings. Nothing looked threatening. There were plants lined up in front of the big windows, and the art on the walls was modern and appealing. In the corner opposite to the desk, there was a comfy couch, and a little table with glasses and bottles of water. There was a glass door behind the desk, which gave a view of a long, well-lit corridor. A chandelier was hanging from the ceiling, causing reflections of light on the dark hardwood floor.

Emma slowly walked over to the desk. The woman behind it got up from her chair, and held out her hand.

“Welcome to Neverland Health Center, dear! I am Granny Lucas, but you can just call me Granny.”

Emma smiled at the warm welcome, and took the other woman’s hand.

“Emma Swan. I’m… checking in.”

“Very well”, the receptionist smiled. “I will call nurse French, she will show you everything. Don’t be scared dear, you will be just fine here!”

With that, Granny Lucas sat back down, and picked up her phone.

Two minutes later, the glass door opened, and a young nurse with surprisingly high-heeled shoes walked towards Emma.

“Hi Emma. I’m Belle, and I will be showing you to your room. Please follow me.”

Emma looked at Granny, who gave her an encouraging nod. Then, she followed nurse Belle through the glass door, and into her new home for the coming weeks.

There were big windows all along one side of the corridor, and doors with hand-written names along the other side. Belle walked in front of her, her steps almost cheerful, and then she stopped at the second to last door.

“Welcome, Emma. This will be your room for the time of your stay. You will have it to yourself for now, but a new patient will arrive tomorrow morning, so be prepared to have a roommate.”

She opened the door to a decently sized room with two beds, two dressers, and an ensuite bathroom. Emma dropped her bag onto one of the two beds, not sure what was expected of her.

“You are probably a little confused right now. Just unpack, and get settled in here. You can use one of the dressers, and then you can relax a little. We will bring dinner to you tonight, but starting tomorrow, you will eat with all the other patients. I will sit with you while you eat, and for an hour after. Tomorrow morning, you will have breakfast with everyone else. Your group here consists of five people, and one more will join us tomorrow, as I said. Not everyone here suffers from the same things you do. But you will get to know them, and you will see that everyone here is just human.”

Emma nodded, and sat on the edge of her bed, while nurse Belle closed the door behind her. Then it was quiet. Emma stared at her hands, a little overwhelmed with the sudden freedom she had to let herself realize what was happening. She lifted her hands a little, and they instantly started shaking. Annoyed with herself, she shook them, and got up on her feet. Then she walked over to one of the dressers with her bag, opened a drawer, and started putting the few clothing items she had brought away. Then she walked into the adjoining bathroom, and started lining up her toiletries accurately on one side of the little shelf under the bathroom mirror. She avoided her reflection, but stuck out her tongue at herself for half a second when she was done. Then she opened the toilet lid. Clean. She gave the flush a good push. Strong flow of water. Good. Just in case.

When there was nothing left to do in the bathroom, she went back to sit on her bed. The sun was already setting outside, and through the window, she could see a little pond in the garden of the clinic. The warm light of dusk was reflecting on the water, and Emma longed to go outside and just sit there for a while.

The door opened, and Emma was being pulled out of her thoughts. It was nurse Belle with a tray of what looked like stir fry and a bowl of salad. Emma frowned. She hadn’t really thought about the actual logistics of how this was going to work. But there it was. Food that she was expected to eat. And digest. Her stomach knotted painfully. She could feel her heart starting to beat faster. Calm down, Swan. It’s not like you can’t eat a simple meal. Your problem isn’t a simple meal. You can do it.

Belle smiled at her encouragingly. “Hey Emma. I brought your dinner. I know this is hard right now, and I know you don’t want me here. All I’m asking is for you to try, okay?”

Emma sighed. She didn’t know exactly why, but she could feel tears in her eyes, and she stubbornly willed them to not fall. Belle put the tray on her bed, and sat down. That’s when Emma saw that there were two plates on the tray. Belle started to put the food on both of the plates. She grabbed one of the forks, and started eating. Emma hesitantly took the second plate, and sat down beside Belle. She slowly poked her fork into the salad, then started eating. Belle talked to her about the hospital, the doctors, the other nurses. Emma just listened. After they were done eating - Emma taking considerably longer than Belle to finish her meal - Belle suggested a walk in the garden. Emma would have rather stayed in, making her own decision about the food she’d just ingested. But she didn’t want to cause trouble on her first day, so she went with the young nurse, letting the woman show her around the premises. 

They were outside for the better part of the next hour. When they arrived back at her door, Belle said goodnight, and Emma felt incredibly tired all of a sudden. For a short moment, she still considered going into the bathroom, and getting rid of her dinner. Because for some reason, people didn’t seem to realize that this could still be done after that amount of time. Instead, she picked up her toothbrush, cleaned her teeth, and washed her face. It was properly dark outside now, and Emma lay down on the bed, just to rest for a while. Before she could even start thinking about her current predicament, she was overcome by sleep.

***

A loud knock on her door woke Emma up. It took her a minute to realize where she was. She was still wearing her clothes, and she was lying on top of her blankets.

The door was opened slowly. A red head of hair appeared, and the woman smiled at her with pretty blue eyes.

“Good morning, Emma. I am nurse Zelena. I am here with your new roommate. Can we come in?”

Emma sat up, sleep still in her eyes. She tiredly nodded at the nurse. The door opened further, and the redhead stepped into the room. Then, hesitantly, a second person appeared in the doorway.

Emma instinctively tried to tame her hair with her fingers. She removed the blanket from her body, and sat up in the bed. Behind the nurse, she could see a brunette with a disinterested look on her face. She was dressed in what seemed to Emma like rather high-quality clothing. Black slacks, a black silk blazer with leather arms, and an ivory-coloured blouse underneath. Her hair was styled perfectly, framing her face in soft waves, not quite reaching her shoulders. Her makeup was impeccable, and Emma instantly felt self-conscious with her bare face and messy hair. The woman’s eyes were aimed at the back of nurse Zelena’s head, and her posture indicated that she wasn’t crippled by fear and uncertainty like Emma had been the day before.

“Regina, this is Emma. She arrived yesterday and hasn’t had a chance to get familiar with everything here yet. I’m sure you can show her a thing or two. Emma, please meet Regina. This is not her first time here, so she will be able to help you with any questions you may have.”

Regina rolled her eyes, and Emma couldn’t help but notice how stunning the slightly older woman was. The brunette walked into the room, and put her impressive suitcase on the unoccupied bed. Then she turned around, and held out her hand. Emma got up, and shook it. “Good to meet you, Regina”, she said. A smirk appeared on Regina’s face. “Is that so?”, she asked dryly. Emma pulled back, and looked questioningly at the nurse, who was still standing by the door. “Don’t mind her grumpy facade. She can be really nice once she gets over herself.” Zelena winked at Emma, then threw a stern look at the brunette. “We let you sleep in today, Emma, since it was your first night, and you must have been exhausted. Lunch will be served in about an hour, and I expect both of you to show up in the dining room. I’ll leave you to yourself now. I’ll be in the nurse’s lounge down the hall if you need anything.”

With that, she turned around and walked out of the room.

Emma wasn’t sure what to do, so she sat back down on her bed, pulling her knees up to her chest.

Barely audible, Regina murmured, while opening the zipper on her suitcase “do you smoke?” Emma looked up, and said “no…” “Good”, said the brunette. “I hate the smell.” Then she retrieved a small makeup case, and went into the bathroom. The door closed behind her, and Emma slumped back against the wall. What had she gotten herself into? She closed her eyes, trying to tune out the room, the situation, herself. When she opened them again, Regina was standing in the open bathroom door, looking at her curiously.

“Let me guess. Your rich parents never had time for you, and you got in with the wrong crowd. Drugs?”

“I… no. No drugs. I just can’t seem to stop chucking up my food, and then I had a heart attack, and I can’t go back to work until I’m back to my cheery old self. And I have no parents.”

“Everyone has parents. And what is this job that you want to go back to so badly, you’re letting them lock you up in here?” Regina was now placing piece after piece of clothing in the dresser next to Emma’s. Everything looked expensive. She hesitated a moment, before she pulled out a pile of lacy underwear from her suitcase, and quickly put them in the drawer.

“I play soccer. And I’m not locked up, I’m here voluntarily.”

Regina quietly chuckled. “Just keep telling yourself that.”

Emma could feel herself getting irritated. “Yeah well, it’s true. And you… actress, left by her latest boy toy, liking the red wine a little too much?”

Regina gave her a surprised look. Then she laughed out genuinely, sitting down on her bed. “Not quite, dear. Mayor of a small town, screwed up personality, people think I’m in the Bahamas everytime I come here. And I don’t do boy toys. Or boys in general.”

The blonde looked at her in surprise. Interesting! 

After their short conversation, both Emma and Regina went about their own things. Regina finished unpacking, taking up half of Emma’s dresser as well. Emma took a shower, trying to make herself look a little more presentable.

For the rest of the day, she was busy with lunch, then her first therapy session with Dr. Hopper. She met the other patients in their group, but all the new impressions were so overwhelming to her, she would be hard-pressed to remember their faces, much less their names. After dinner, she was so exhausted, she fell asleep on the spot as soon as her head hit the pillow.

In the middle of the night, she was woken up by a noise in the room. After she remembered where she was, she sat up in her bed. The noise was soft crying from the other side of the bedroom.

“Regina?”, she whispered. The crying stopped right away. She got up, and walked over to the other woman’s bed. “Hey, are you okay?”

“Go away and leave me alone”, the brunette said, her voice suddenly dark and full of anger.

Emma quickly touched the brunette’s arm, and said “okay”. After a few minutes, the crying started again. Emma pretended to be asleep, but her thoughts circled around her roommate, her situation, and then she shed a few tears of her own, when she couldn’t stop thinking about Mary-Margaret and little Neal. Soon, she heard footsteps, and then a tissue was being placed in her hand.


	3. Plump

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: mention of eating disorder behaviours and thoughts!

“Good morning! Are you feeling better?”

Emma sat up in her bed, stretching her sore limbs, trying to wake up. Regina was still under her blanket, which was pulled up to her nose. She was staring at the ceiling, startling when Emma spoke. She slowly turned her head.

“I’m just fine, dear. They are coming to get us for breakfast in thirty minutes, you should take your shower. Don’t use all the hot water.”

Emma sighed. _I guess we’re not going to talk about it._

When Emma got out of the shower, wrapped in a towel, wet hair hanging down over her shoulders, Regina was gone. She quickly got dressed in a pair of jeans and a white tank top, and left their room.

As she walked down the hall, towards the dining room, someone called her name. She turned around, and a smiling young woman walked towards her. She remembered her from the day before, but had no idea of her name.

“Emma, let’s go to breakfast together, alright? I’m Mulan, we met shortly yesterday.”

Emma nodded, and smiled back at Mulan. Together, they entered the small group dining room. Some other people were already there, busy serving themselves toast and cereal, and there was a small queue in front of the coffee maker. Nobody really noticed the two women, and Emma said to Mulan “coffee first, always coffee first”. Mulan laughed, and got a glass out of a cupboard instead, filling it with tap water. Then she sat down at the round table. Emma hesitated a moment, and then got her coffee. She put her cup down on the table, then went over to the buffet, filling a bowl with cereal. When she got back to where Mulan was sitting, nurse Belle was talking to the girl.

“Mulan, this isn’t going to do. I don’t know why we have to go through this every single morning. Go get yourself some food, you can’t leave this room before you eat something.” The nurse’s words were serious and firm, but her gentle smile took the harshness out of them. Mulan seemed to be near tears though, so Emma sat down next to her.

“Hey. You can do it, you know? Let’s try together!”

Mulan smiled at her shyly, then slowly got up, and got herself a slice of toast with the tiniest bit of honey on it.

When she was back at the table, Emma gave her an encouraging nod, and started eating her cereal. She tried not to stare at Mulan, but it was hard to ignore how incredibly tiny the woman was. Her cheeks were sunken in, and her collarbones were sticking out even through the hooded sweater she was wearing. For a second, Emma thought _oh great, competition_ , but she quickly berated herself for feeling that way. The girl was obviously very sick. But in the back of her head, Emma still envied her just a little.

When Emma finished her breakfast, Mulan was just about halfway through her toast. Emma got up, and washed her dishes in the sink.

“Emma”, Belle’s voice sounded through the room. “I’ll need you to stay where I can see you for an hour.”

Emma rolled her eyes. “Okay. Can I just go out on the terrace to get some fresh air?”

Belle nodded. Emma walked over to the sliding doors, and stepped onto a big terrace that was facing the gardens. Her stomach hurt, and digesting her food seemed like such an inconvenience. By the railing, there were five lawn chairs, and one of them had a dark head of hair sticking out on top. Emma walked over, and saw that it was Regina. With a cigarette in her hand.

“Are you kidding me? You’re all high and mighty about me not smoking, but you can?”

Regina turned her head, smirking at her. “I never said I didn’t. I just really don’t like other people smelling like smoke.”

Emma plopped down in the chair next to Regina.

“So you met the girl who doesn’t eat, didn’t you.” The brunette took a drag of her cigarette, and nonchalantly dipped the ashes on the floor.

“She’s anorexic then?”

“You think? Yes, she is. Last time I was here, she had a tube down her nose. We were roommates.”

Emma put her hand on her stomach. The pain was getting worse, and she could feel a bout of panic coming over her, because she knew she had no way to fix it right now.

“Do you want to throw up?”, Regina asked, the same way she would ask someone if they wanted a cup of tea.

Emma looked at her, not used to other people just addressing her eating disorder like that.

“Yes.”

“They can’t see you from in there, you know. You could do it right here.”

“In front of you? Yeah, right. Why are you being like this?”

Regina put out her cigarette in an ashtray on the floor. Then she sat back, and pulled her knees up to her chest, hugging herself.

“I’m not being like anything. I just can’t really control what I say sometimes. I wouldn’t let you do it.”

Emma was silent for a minute. They both looked into the sky, and at the forest beneath the gardens. It was a beautiful day. Not a cloud to be seen, and the sun was shining down on them.

“Will you tell me why you’re here? A screwed up personality doesn’t really tell me much.”

Regina closed her eyes. For a minute, Emma thought she was ignoring her. Then Regina spoke.

“I went through some things that weren’t pretty. They happened when I was a child, and then again when I was married. I don’t think very highly of myself, although I come across differently. Sometimes, I go back to those things, and that’s when I go crazy. And I have to come here, because I have a son at home, and I don’t want him to suffer because I’m messed up.”

“Something like PTSD?”

“Something like that, yes.”

“How old is your son?”

“Henry is eleven years old. I adopted him when he was just a baby.”

“He’s very lucky.”

Regina gave her a surprised look. “How so?”

“I grew up in the system. Nobody ever adopted me.”

In that instant, nurse Belle called them from the door. “Emma, Regina, it’s your turn to clean up in here. You should start now, therapies are starting in half an hour.”

Sighing, Emma got out of her chair, while Regina lit another cigarette. She started cleaning the kitchen and the brunette followed her a few minutes later, and swept the floor. Mulan was still sitting at the table, trying hard to finish her breakfast. When Emma looked over, Regina was sitting with Mulan, holding her hand, talking to her gently. The girl smiled through her tears, and picked up the last piece of toast.

***

The rest of the morning passed quickly. Emma had art therapy, and she painted a dog, which everyone else thought was a squirrel. Then, she had yoga class, and Mulan was trying to make her laugh, or fart, and the teacher reprimanded them like a pair of second graders.

When it was time for lunch, Emma’s stomach ache had gone away, and she dreaded having to do it all over again. 

The meal was served on the terrace, and this time, Regina was eating with them. She sat next to Mulan, seemingly taking over the role of the nurse, encouraging her to eat. Emma could see that the girl tried to please the older brunette. She ate everything on her plate, and hugged Regina when she was done.

Meanwhile, Emma was struggling. She felt like she had been given too much food, and she could feel her stomach declining to work with her even after a few bites. She was still eating when Mulan and Regina were done, and she didn’t notice that tears were streaming down her face until the younger of the two women soothingly put her hand on her shoulder, whispering “you can do it”.

Emma gave her a watery smile, and said “the eating part is not really my problem. It’s what happens after.”

Mulan nodded, and got up to wash her plate.

Regina stayed at the table, watching Emma. When the blonde was done eating, she walked over to the lawn chairs, and lit a cigarette.

Emma felt sick. She rested her head on her arms, trying to will herself to think of something other than the food that was sitting in her stomach, taunting her.

When her hour of supervision was almost over, she got up, and went back to her room. Her stomach was hurting, and she was torn between wanting to throw up and wanting to just go to sleep. Standing in the middle of the room, she contemplated for a minute, and then went into the bathroom. She closed the unlockable door, and opened the toilet lid. She knew that if she were to bend over, it would just happen. Her brain was yelling at her, _do it, do it already!_

“Emma.”

She hadn’t heard the door open, but Regina was standing in the frame.

“Let’s take a nap”, she said, and guided Emma to her bed.


	4. Asking For It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: graphic sexual abuse situation, self harm. Be safe!

_His hands were all over her body, touching her, violating her. He punched her in the stomach when she tried to plead with him. His breath was foul, and it made her sick as he was lying on top of her, holding her down with his whole body weight. She tried to struggle, but she wasn’t strong enough. She tried to scream for help, but no words came out. He pinned both of her arms down over her head with just one hand, while the other pushed off his underwear. His erection was disgustingly hard against her tummy, and then his mouth was on her nipple, biting down hard. Hot pain shot through her body. He pushed her legs apart with his own, and entered her forcefully. She was dry, and it hurt. It hurt so bad. He started panting like a dog, slamming himself into her over and over. He came with a pathetic grunt, and she could feel his hot load inside of herself. He pulled out, got up, and left the room. Then the door opened again. And he was back. Throwing himself on top of her. His breath foul, and it made her sick. And it started all over again._

It was two o’clock in the morning, and Emma had just fallen asleep a short while ago. Something had woken her up again, and when she looked over to Regina’s bed, it was empty. There was light coming through the crack under the bathroom door, and Emma heard choking sounds and wheezing breaths. She jumped up, and opened the door to the adjoining room. 

Regina was kneeling in front of the bathtub, her elbows on the edge, and it looked as though she was praying. Except that her body was shaken by sobs, and she was hyperventilating.

“Regina”, Emma said quietly. Regina didn’t say anything, didn’t even turn her head. Emma sat down next to the brunette, and started to softly rub the other woman’s back. After a while, Regina’s breathing became a little more regular. She slumped down on the floor, resting her forehead against the tub.

“Do you want me to get the nurse?”, Emma asked.

Regina shook her head, and Emma could see the tears still dripping down onto her knees.

“Do you want me to get anyone else?”

The brunette shook her head again.

“Do you want me to leave you alone?”

A teary chuckle escaped Regina, and she whispered “don’t be annoying, Miss Swan.”

Emma smiled, and let the back of her head hit the cold tiles. Regina finally turned around, and sat with the back against the bathtub as well.

“I’m sorry I woke you. I tried to be quiet, but I guess not quiet enough.”

Emma glanced at her. The brunette looked absolutely lovely with her face void of all makeup and her hair all messy from sleeping. The tears hanging from her thick lashes made Emma want to gently wipe them away. _Really, Emma? That’s what you’re focusing on right now?_ But she couldn’t help thinking that in a different situation, Regina would have absolutely caught her eye. _Not a chance in hell. The woman probably has a beautiful girlfriend who is a doctor or a lawyer or something._ She shook her head, trying to make her thoughts disappear.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure I will wake you sometime with explosive diarrhea, which I am sure to get at some point if they keep making me digest my food.”

“You’re disgusting”, Regina said, winking at the blonde, releasing a tear that had been stuck.

“Thank you, madam mayor”, Emma replied, laughing. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not particularly. I had a bad dream, and sometimes they are just too real.”

Emma nodded. “Okay. Will you talk to Dr Hopper about it in the morning?”

Regina sighed. “I don’t like to talk to that bug. Wait until you meet Dr Gold, he’s only here once a week, but he’s much more interesting than Hopper.”

“Can’t wait”, Emma muttered sarcastically. Regina bumped her elbow into her ribs. Then they were both silent again.

When Emma almost fell asleep sitting on the bathroom floor, she said “think you can sleep again?”

Regina shook her head. “I’m going to stay in here for a while longer. Go to bed, dear. I might take a shower, so knock if you need the bathroom.”

Emma got up, and walked back to the bedroom. At the door, she turned around, and smiled at the older woman. “Wake me up if you need anything.”

***

When Emma woke up again, the sun had begun to rise, and Regina still wasn’t in her bed. She carefully knocked on the bathroom door, not wanting to scare the brunette, in case she was still in there. When there was no answer, she opened the door. The room was dark. Emma found the light switch, and a small scream escaped her, when she saw Regina lying on the floor, a towel wrapped around her left wrist, blood seeping through the fabric.

“Regina!” No answer. Emma ran out of the room and towards the nurses’ lounge. Zelena looked up from her newspaper, alarmed at the way the blonde stormed into the room. Not waiting for an explanation, the nurse jumped up and followed Emma back to the bedroom. “Wait here”, she said, running into the bathroom. Emma didn’t wait, of course, and watched as Zelena knelt down on the floor, checking Regina’s vital signs. “She’s alive”, she said to Emma, ignoring the fact that she was supposed to stay away. The redhead unwrapped Regina’s wrist, sighing as the blood was still trickling out of a deep gash. She took a new towel from the rack, and re-wrapped the injury.

“Help me get her to the infirmary. She’s awake, but probably weak from blood loss.”

Emma walked over, and helped Zelena get Regina to stand up. She put one of the brunette’s arms over her shoulder, and the nurse did the same with the other. They slowly walked out of the room, and down the hall. In the infirmary, they put the dazed woman on the bed.

“Go now, Emma. She’ll be fine, don’t worry. You need to go to breakfast.”

“But…”

“You can’t do anything here, dear. It’s okay, you did the right thing. Go take care of yourself now.”

Emma took one last look at Regina, whose eyes were open but didn’t really seem to focus on her surroundings. Then she left the room. When she closed the door, she leaned back against it, trying to get her heart to calm down. When it didn’t feel like it was going to burst anymore, she went back to her room, and got dressed.

_You should have stayed with her._

After a few minutes, there was a knock on the door, and nurse Zelena came in.

“The doctor is with Regina now. Her life is not in danger or anything. Are you okay?”

“I… she was having a panic attack after a nightmare last night, and I stayed with her until she seemed better, and then she sent me back to bed. I thought she was okay. I shouldn’t have listened to her.”

Zelena sat down next to her on the bed.

“Emma, listen to me. This isn’t your fault! You are not responsible for Regina, or for anyone else here. Sometimes, people need to hurt themselves in order to dull another pain that is much worse. I believe that is what happened to Regina. It had nothing to do with you, and she would have found a way whether you’d stayed or not.”

“Has she… has she done this before?”

Nurse Zelena frowned. “You know I can’t tell you that. Maybe Regina will talk to you about it herself. You helping her last night, or rather, her letting you help her… that’s not something she lets people do very often. Somehow, she must feel like she can trust you. You did well, Emma. But you’re a patient here too, and you need to look after yourself. Regina will be fine. Will you?”

“Depends if you’re making me have breakfast now”, Emma muttered under her breath. Zelena laughed, and said “now more than ever, dear”.

***

Emma was busy with breakfast, then a group walk on the clinic grounds, then therapy with Dr Hopper, before lunch was served. She sat with Mulan, and when the younger woman asked where Regina was, she told her that she was probably resting, because she hadn’t felt good. They ate in silence, and Emma noticed that, once again, Mulan was really struggling with her meal, and she suspected that it was easier for her when Regina was with her. She tried to encourage her, but couldn’t really get her to eat. When Emma was done, she went outside again, leaving nurse Belle to deal with Mulan.

After her no-puke hour was over, and silent time had started, she walked back to her bedroom.

Regina was lying in her bed, her face pale, but her eyes focused on the other woman. Emma closed the door behind her.

“The wicked witch told me you were feeling bad because you couldn’t heroically save me from harming myself.”

It was a statement rather than a question. A little annoyed, Emma replied “no, I was just mad because you occupied the bathroom forever, like the diva you are”.

Regina closed her eyes, but she couldn’t hide the smile that spread on her face.

“It’s not like you need it for anything else than puking, I don’t see a trace of makeup on your face. And I’m sorry, but slitting my wrists trumps your need to look like Heidi Klum.”

“That’s not what it’s…”

Regina interrupted her. “Emma. I know. I was joking.” Then her smile disappeared. “I am sorry though. You shouldn’t have had to find me like that.”

“How did you even find something to hurt yourself with?”

Regina smirked. “I came prepared. The downside of this place’s trust policy. They don’t control our luggage.”

Emma sighed. “Should I be prepared for you doing this again?”

Regina took a deep breath. Then she lifted her arm, and slid the fabric of her pyjamas up to her elbow. Dozens, or even hundreds of scars were marking her arm. Emma gasped. She had heard of people doing this, but seeing it up-close was still shocking. How could someone do this to themselves? Then again, didn’t she do the same thing? Except that she didn’t leave visible scars on her body? But how much pain would someone have to be in to have the guts to do this?

Regina covered her arm again, then she turned her back to Emma, and closed her eyes.

“I hope you feel better soon, Regina.”

The blonde sat down on her bed, looking out the window. After a while, her head hit the pillow, and she was suddenly really tired.

Right before she fell asleep, she heard a tiny voice say “thank you, Miss Swan.”


	5. Jennifer's Body

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm... sorry about this.

The following days passed without any significant incidents or late night scares. They all went to their therapies, and in the evenings, they sometimes watched movies in the TV room. Regina seemed to be getting better, and Emma, while still struggling with disordered thoughts, had to admit that it got a bit easier with time. 

About a week into her stay, she met Dr Gold, who was, like Regina had told her, an interesting man. And he didn’t hold back with his words, almost scaring her into wanting to get better. It was exactly what Emma needed. Dr Hopper was a nice person, but he didn’t challenge her.

Emma bonded more with Mulan, and the young woman became a friend to her. Mulan was still much closer to Regina, but sometimes, they would all play cards together, or watch a funny sitcom.

One day just flowed into the next, and Emma was starting to accept her new reality. She still missed her friends at home, and her job, but not as badly as in the first few days.

Then, one morning, she was woken up from peaceful sleep.

“Emma!”

She sat up with a start. Regina was bent down over her bed, her fingers gripping Emma’s upper arm almost painfully.

“What?” She was disoriented. “Did something happen?”

Certain that the blonde was awake, Regina let go of her, and said “I need you to go to the hospital with me”.

Emma looked at her roommate, trying to assess if the brunette had any new injuries or was hurt in other ways.

“What happened? Are you okay? And aren’t we already in the hospital?”

“No, I mean, you have to go to the actual real hospital with me. Mulan was taken there early this morning. I woke up when they rolled her down the hall. Will you please go with me? We’re only allowed to leave the grounds in pairs.”

Emma got up, and said “shit, yeah, of course!” Looking at the brunette, she saw nothing but fear and concern in her eyes. She quickly pulled a brush through her hair, decided it was useless, and grabbed a hair tie to put it in a ponytail. Then she shrugged off her pyjama bottoms, not caring that Regina saw her in her underwear. She pulled on the nearest pair of jeans, and with her hand already on the door handle, she turned back to Regina.

“Are you coming?”

“We can’t go until after breakfast. But it’s Saturday today, so no therapies. We can leave as soon as your guard dog lets you. I already asked Belle.”

Sighing, Emma went back to her bed, and sat down.

Regina was fully dressed, her makeup perfect. Emma raised an eyebrow.

“How long have you been awake?”

“I don’t really sleep much. And I sure as hell couldn’t fall back asleep after Mulan was taken away.”

“You two are quite close, aren’t you?”

Regina sat down on her own bed. She leaned back against the wall, shrugging.

“She’s kind of attached to me. I tried hard not to let that happen, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. Her family lives far away, poor thing doesn’t really have anyone.”

“You seem plenty attached to her yourself, madam mayor.”

“I’m not made of stone, you know.”

“I know you’re not. But sometimes you’re not making it easy for other people to believe otherwise.”

Regina smirked. She swept a stray strand of hair back into place, and closed her eyes.

_She’s beautiful._

“Will she be okay?”

“I… I don’t know. The girl’s body can’t take much more. It has nothing left to give.”

Emma could see tears shining in the older woman’s eyes. She wanted to go over to her, and give her a hug. But Regina probably wasn’t the type who would like that.

“Hey, let’s just go and see how she’s doing. Maybe it’s not as bad as it sounded. Our bodies can take a lot more than we give them credit for.”

Regina nodded, clearly scared for her friend.

“You would know, wouldn’t you?”

“Indeed. Let’s go to the dining room, it’s almost time. And then we’ll leave.”

She held out her hand, and Regina took it. Emma pulled her off the bed, and then let go of her when she was on her feet, because she didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. _I would have liked to hold it a while longer._

Emma and Regina ate their breakfast in silence. At one point, Emma glanced at her roommate, and the brunette looked so sad, she put her hand on the other woman’s arm for a second, and gave her a friendly smile. Regina pulled away, but then had a change of heart, and covered Emma’s hand with her own. Then she went back to her food.

About forty minutes after they were done eating, Belle said “okay you two, I can see you really want to leave, so I’m letting Emma go early. Don’t abuse your privilege. And give Mulan my love.”

Emma nodded, and the two women quickly left the dining room, and then the building.

The hospital was just down the road, so they started walking. A couple hundred feet from the entrance, Regina stopped. She stared at the complex in front of them, seemingly hesitant to go inside.

“Regina, let’s go. I know you’re scared, I am too. But imagine how happy Mulan will be to see you! She must be terrified.”

Regina took a deep breath, and started walking again. Without thinking much of it, she took Emma’s arm, and Emma knew better than to make a funny remark.

They walked through the doors, and Emma asked the receptionist for Mulan’s room number.

“Third floor, room 306.”

They took the elevator up to the floor. Regina grabbed Emma’s arm tighter as the walked down the hall to Mulan’s room. When there was no answer after they knocked, Emma opened the door, dragging Regina with her.

Mulan was lying in a bed, tubes coming out of her nose and mouth, and all kinds of machines beeping all around her. She wasn’t awake, and Regina sat down on the chair next to her, letting go of Emma, and taking Mulan’s hand. Her eyes focused on the lines on one of the monitors, as if trying to will them to keep going. Emma went to the other side of the bed, and sat down on a second chair.

Minutes passed, or maybe hours. Nurses came in periodically, checking the machines, adjusting Mulan’s pillows.

Then, silence again.

After what seemed like an eternity, Regina still hadn’t said a word. Emma tried to push her fears away, wanting to be strong for her new friends. Her thoughts travelled from her own life and death situation to her soccer career, which seemed so far away all of a sudden. This was real life. A young woman she had only known for a short time was fighting for her life in front of her, her face pale as a ghost, her chest rising and falling in regular intervals. Regina’s head was now resting on Mulan’s thigh, and Emma wasn’t sure if she was asleep. She felt the need to stroke her hair, but knew that it would be inappropriate. She got up, and grabbed one of the blankets on the spare bed behind her. She walked over to where Regina was sitting, and gently wrapped it around her. Regina looked up at her with a pained smile, and then lowered her head again.

Emma sat back down in her own chair. She didn’t realize she had nodded off, but suddenly, a loud noise startled her awake. She jumped, and realized that it was one of Mulan’s monitors. The young girl was flatlining, and after a few seconds, two nurses and a doctor came running in with a crash cart. One of them sent the two women out into the hall, and Emma had to basically pry Regina away from Mulan.

When they were standing outside the door, Emma instinctively wrapped her arms around the older woman, and Regina let her, holding on to the blonde as if her life depended on it. Emma buried her face in Regina’s hair, trying to fight back her own tears as the brunette started sobbing into her neck. She guided them over to a bench along the wall, and they sat down, Regina crying, and Emma very close to tears as well.

Emma didn’t know how long she had sat there, rubbing soothing circles on Regina’s back. But then, the door opened, and the doctor and the nurses came out.

“Are you her family?”

“She doesn’t have family”, Regina hissed. “We’re the only ones she has.”

The doctor seemed to think for moment, then he said “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could. But her body was too weak. She didn’t make it.”

A sob escaped Emma. Regina tore herself from the blonde’s embrace, and ran into the room. Emma heard her scream.

“You don’t get to do this, Mulan! You were supposed to come home with me, your room is ready. It’s not funny anymore, you can stop now.”

Then, pleading.

“Please, wake up! I will help you, we will get well, and we’ll be a family! Henry will love you! Please, Mulan! Please come back to me.”

Then, silence.

Emma looked at the doctor worriedly, and then ran after Regina.

Her roommate was sitting on Mulan’s bed, cradling her head, stroking her face. All the tubes and machines had been removed, and it looked as though the young woman was just asleep. Emma approached them carefully, not able to take her eyes off the peaceful face in Regina’s lap. She walked around the bed, and sat down next to Regina. Her hand wandered to Mulan’s, and she lifted it up to her face, and kissed her fingers. Her head dropped down on Regina’s shoulder, and she could feel the other woman’s heartbreak as well as her own.

They sat there with their friend’s body until a nurse came in with Zelena in tow. The redhead took them both by the hand, and gently coaxed them out of the room.

The rest of the day was a blur. Zelena took them back to Neverland, and brought them dinner to their room. Neither of them ate anything, and the nurse didn’t force them. Not a word was spoken between the two patients, but a bond beyond words had been formed, and they both felt it. At bedtime, Zelena didn’t let them close their door, and they were lying in their beds in semi-darkness, both with their own thoughts and their own grief. When sleep finally took them, it was after midnight, and neither of them had even noticed that first nurse Zelena, then nurse Belle had checked on them every thirty minutes, worried what their friend’s death would do to them and their recovery.


	6. Doll Parts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No trigger warnings in this one. :)

The next morning, Regina was gone. Emma looked for her in the bathroom, and then the group livingroom. When she couldn’t find the brunette on the terrace, she went to the nurse’s lounge, where Belle was sitting in front of the computer.

“Good morning, Emma. Do you need anything? It’s too early for breakfast.”

“I can’t find Regina. Have you seen her?”

The nurse got out of her chair, and put her hand on Emma’s shoulder.

“I’m sure she hasn’t gone far, she was asleep just half an hour ago when I checked on you two.”

With that, Belle walked Emma back to her room, and looked into the bathroom herself. Emma followed her as she walked from one of the shared rooms on their floor to the next, seemingly not worried. When they still couldn’t find the brunette, the nurse called the security guard, asking him to go look for Emma’s roommate.

Meanwhile, it was time for breakfast, and Belle made Emma sit down with the others and eat something. Emma forced herself to finish her meal, but she couldn’t help being worried about Regina. Since they lived in an open ward, it wouldn’t have been hard for the brunette to just walk out. Sure, there was a doorman, but maybe Regina had been able to sneak past him. When she was waiting to be cleared to leave the dining room, she could feel herself starting to panic over the other woman’s whereabouts. Regina had been even more affected than her by Mulan’s death, and she remembered all too well the morning she had found her on the bathroom floor.

By lunchtime, Regina still hadn’t been found, and the nurses were visibly concerned now. Emma decided to go look for her by herself. She went into the garden, checking behind trees and greenhouses. She walked all the way to the end of the grounds, where there was a fence separating the clinic from the forest. She called out for Regina, not really expecting an answer. She contemplated climbing over the fence, but decided against it, knowing that someone was probably watching her.

She went back into the building, pacing up and down the hall, wishing she had been awake to see Regina leave.

She missed her afternoon yoga class and art therapy, and when Regina wasn’t back by dinnertime, she realized just how worried she was. They had lost Mulan, she couldn’t lose Regina. Not only because they had become friends, but because… _because you’re starting to really, really care about her._

During dinner, nurse Zelena announced that a new patient was arriving the next day. _Mulan has barely been gone for a day…_ Mulan! Suddenly, Emma knew where she hadn’t looked yet. She begged Zelena to let her go, and the nurse followed her into the hall, and then to Mulan’s room.

Emma hesitated, and looked at the redhead. Zelena smiled at her encouragingly, and Emma opened the door. The room was dark, and Emma whispered “Regina?” There was no answer, but the silent noise of a body shifting under a blanket.

“I’ll let everyone know we found her. Go to her, but leave the door open.” With those words, Zelena turned around and walked away.

Emma took a step forward, and tried to get her eyes to adjust to the darkness. Then, she walked towards the bed. She could barely make out a figure, and she kneeled down in front of it. She put out her hand until she could feel a shoulder. She moved it up to the head sticking out of the blanket. Regina’s hair was damp, and when she reached her forehead, she noticed that it was sweaty and hot. She instinctively started stroking the brunette’s head. “It’s okay, Regina. You will be okay. You are not alone.” A soft “always been alone” told her that Regina was awake. “I’ll be back in second, I promise”, Emma said. She went into the bathroom, and soaked a towel in cold water. Then she went back to the bedroom, and put it on her roommate’s forehead. The brunette was shivering under the covers, so Emma got into bed with her, and wrapped herself around the other woman to keep her warm.

At first, Regina was shaking in her arms. After a while, she seemed to calm down, and her head came to rest in the crook of Emma’s neck. Soon, Emma felt an arm around her waist, and a head dropped down to lie against her chest. She didn’t move when Zelena came in to take Regina’s temperature. She didn’t let go when the nurse came back with a glass of iced water, asking Emma to try to make Regina drink. She held the brunette as her breathing became more regular, and she was softly snoring into Emma’s shirt. She didn’t care when Regina kicked off the blanket in the middle of the night, hot and feverish. She pulled the other woman closer when she started to cry, calling out for Mulan, then for Henry, then begged for someone to stop hurting her.

And she only held her breath for a second when in the early morning, Regina placed a soft kiss on her temple and then nuzzled her face into Emma’s hair.

***

It took a few days for Regina to recover. The morning after Emma had found her, she was moved back to their own room. Emma had to go back to her regular schedule, attending meals and therapies, and in the evenings, she told Regina about the day’s events, and then, about her own life. About her childhood in the foster homes, about the time she was living in her car, about how she met the people she now called her family. About her sports career, about her illness. 

After a couple of days, Regina started telling her own story. Her abusive mother, her dead father, how she was basically forced to marry a man three times her age. She didn’t go into details, but Emma could read between the lines that her husband hadn’t been a good man. Regina told her about how she finally got away from him, and moved to a little town called Storybrooke. How she became the mayor, and how her life finally found a meaning when she adopted her little boy. How between periods of being well, she was always aware that her next breakdown would certainly come, and how she was always prepared. How only her friend Kathryn knew about everything, always ready to take Henry when Regina had to leave for treatment.

When Regina was feeling better, they spent their evenings out on the terrace, talking, or just enjoying the last rays of sunshine.

Emma felt the need to be near Regina almost constantly. She didn’t know herself like that. She, Emma, didn’t _need_ anyone. She never had. And now this impossibly complicated woman was sneaking her way into her heart, and it confused Emma, but it also excited her. She actually cared about her, and she wanted her to get better. And beyond all that, Emma realized that she had started to develop romantic feelings for the brunette. That she longed to touch her, remembering the times they had been physically close, wishing those moments back, but without the heartbreak and sadness. She caught herself staring at Regina’s lips when she spoke, imagining what they would feel like pressed to her own. She had never actually been with a woman before, but she had certainly been attracted to a few, and it felt natural, and just… right.

Regina, on the other hand, knew exactly what she felt. She was falling for Emma Swan, and she knew that it was a problem, as both of them were still so vulnerable and unstable.


	7. Credit In The Straight World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my favourite chapter so far! :D

Emma practically flew down the hallway, through the glass door, and came to a stop in front of Granny. “Good afternoon, dear”, the older woman said, smiling. “Hey Granny, you know what? I’m having a visitor today! My best friend is coming, and I just saw her pull into the parking lot.” Granny laughed. “Go on then, dear!”

Emma gave her a little wave, and then walked towards the main door. She was so excited to see Mary-Margaret, she could barely contain herself. The short-haired brunette was already walking up the small path, little Neal on her hand, both of them grinning at Emma.

“MM! Neal!” She ran the rest of the way, picked up the little boy, and wrapped her arms around her friend.

“Emma! Oh, how I’ve missed you! Let me look at you!” Emma put Neal down on his feet, took a step back, and posed for MM, laughing. “You look so good, sweetie! So much better than you did when I dropped you off. Your face has filled out! Oh Emma! It’s so good to see you!”

Emma smirked. “Did you just call me fat?” MM gave her a horrified look, but relaxed when she saw Emma winking at her. “Oh shush. David sends his love! And so does Ruby! It’s not the same without you, we miss you!”

“I miss you too! But I’m glad I’m here. I’m learning so much, I should have done this a lot sooner.”

MM smiled. She put her arm around Emma’s shoulder, and the three of them walked towards the building.

“Let’s go sit in the garden! I’ll get us some drinks. You have to tell me about everything I’ve missed while I’ve been away!”

The small group walked around the house, and settled on a bench in the shade of the big trees in the garden. They sat little Neal down in the grass, and Mary-Margaret started telling Emma about how the team had lost the cup final, and how much they needed her back. They talked about Ruby splitting up with Jefferson, and going back to school to become a nurse. About David’s promotion to town sheriff, and about how Neal got into a lot of mischief now that he was walking. It didn’t feel like they hadn’t seen each other in weeks.

“So, how are you doing? Please be honest with me!”

Emma looked down at her hands.

“I still have days that are less than perfect. I mean, it’s only been a few weeks. But I haven’t used any behaviours since I arrived.”

“Oh Emma, I’m so proud of you! I know it’s hard, and I know it takes time. But you’re doing so well! Bad days will happen, but I hope you’re getting the tools to work through them here.”

“I really do. I have two therapists, Dr Hopper and Dr Gold. They have helped me a lot. And can you believe I’m doing yoga? And I’m painting! I know, weird. I’m not got at either of them, but it doesn’t matter. It helps me get some stuff out of my system, you know?”

Mary-Margaret hugged her again. “You are amazing. Have you made any friends?”

When Emma stayed silent and didn’t let go of her, MM asked “Emma? Was that the wrong question?”

“I… I’ve made two friends. One of them, Mulan, died from the complications of anorexia. It was so hard, MM. She was so young. And the other, well… it’s a bit difficult...”

Mary-Margaret gently pushed Emma away, so she could look at her.

“I’m so sorry, Emma! That must have been horrible for you! I can’t even imagine.”

She stroked back Emma’s hair, and placed a kiss on her forehead.

“So what about that difficult friend?”

“Well. I… I kind of… I think I’ve kind of developed feelings. And I don’t know what to do. I know it’s not ideal.”

“Oh. Is he a patient, too?”

Emma sighed. She leaned back against the bench, running her hands through her hair.

“No… I mean, yes, but it’s not… oh god…”

“Emma?”

“It’s not a he…”, she almost whispered.

Mary-Margaret looked at her in surprise.

“You have feelings for a woman? Is that a problem for you?”

Emma looked at her friend. The brunette was smiling, and didn’t seem shocked.

“I’m not sure. It’s… no, it’s not a problem for me that she’s a woman, it’s all the rest that is complicated. Is it a problem for you?”

MM laughed and took her hand.

“Oh, you silly girl! Of course not! And I’ll have you know, you’re not that special, I slept with Ruby when we were younger.”

Emma’s head shot up. “Yeah, of course you did!”

“It’s true, you can ask her! I assumed she told you, actually. Now tell me about that woman who has got you so confused!”

Emma was still trying to wrap her head around Mary-Margaret’s reaction, and her revelation.

“Well, her name is Regina. She’s my roommate. We have gone through a lot together these past weeks. We were both there when Mulan died. She was like a little sister to Regina, and it hit her so hard. She was so broken...”

“Is Regina here because of eating issues too?”

“No. She has PTSD, and horrible flashbacks. She also has a son, who she wants to protect by coming here. She… she hurts herself when she’s in a bad place.”

“I’m sorry she’s going through that. She sounds like a special lady. Are you… I mean, does she have feelings for you too? Have you been...”

Emma grimaced. “No! Nothing’s happened. Sometimes, I feel like she does have feelings for me. But then again, I’m really not sure. I do know that she’s into women, she told me as much. Mary-Margaret… she’s so incredibly beautiful. I’m so screwed.”

MM pulled her into a hug again, seeing that Emma’s eyes were welling up with tears. Then, the blonde pushed her away, and wiped her eyes. “Speaking of the devil”, she whispered.

Regina came walking down the path towards the little group. When she noticed them, she hesitated, and looked like she was going to turn around.

“Regina, do you want to join us?”, Emma called out.

The brunette thought about it for a minute, and then slowly kept walking towards their bench. When she was right in front of them, Emma said “Regina, this is my best friend, Mary-Margaret, and her son, Neal. And MM, this is my roommate, Regina.”

The two brunette women shook hands, and exchanged a few words. Then, Regina’s attention focused on the little boy sitting in the grass. Without a care about her expensive clothes, she sat down next to him, and started playing with him and the little toy bunny he had brought.

Emma couldn’t take her eyes off her. When they met Regina’s, the older woman flashed her a brilliant smile, and then she went back to entertaining Neal.

They sat there for an hour, Emma and Mary-Margaret talking, and Regina throwing in a few words here and there, while playing with Neal.

All too soon, visiting hours were over, and mother and son had to leave.

“I’ll find the way out, you two stay here and enjoy the beautiful weather!” Mary-Margaret winked at Emma, and put her arms around her. “You ARE screwed, my dear, she’s amazing”, she whispered, and then louder “take care sweetie, I will see you again soon! It was nice meeting you, Regina! And Neal sure enjoyed it as well!”

She let go of Emma, and when Regina tried to shake her hand again, she pulled her into a hug. Regina seemed shocked at first, but then hugged her back.

Emma picked up little Neal, and planted several kisses all over his face. The boy fought her off, but he was giggling.

When two two visitors walked away, Regina sat down on the bench. Emma just kept standing there, so the brunette grabbed her by the hips, and pulled her down next to her.

“Thank you for inviting me. You didn’t have to do that. I loved feeling normal for a while. And your friend is lovely.”

Emma grinned, and said “I’m glad. I enjoyed it too. I… I like spending time with you.”

Regina looked straight ahead, but there was a smile on her face, and Emma watched as Regina’s hand reached for hers like in slow-motion. When their fingers touched, Emma quickly grabbed it, not wanting Regina to change her mind.

No words were spoken as they sat there, holding hands, while the sun was starting to set, until it was almost time for dinner.

The meal was harder than usual for Emma, for some reason. She’d had a wonderful afternoon, and she was still reeling from seeing MM and Neal, and then spending time with Regina. But when her plate was empty, she couldn’t help but feeling uncomfortably full, and almost a little sick. Her brain couldn’t seem to remember the things she had achieved in the past weeks. She wanted to go back to her old behaviours, just one last time. She was doing so much better, didn’t she deserve one last time?

Regina noticed that something in the blonde’s mood had changed. She didn’t ask her about it, but she stayed close, and after the obligatory supervised hour, she followed her into their room.

Emma was standing at the window, resting her forehead against the cool glass. Regina leaned against the dresser, watching her roommate worriedly.

“Hey. Are you alright?”

Emma slowly turned around. She sat down on her bed, and buried her face in her hands.

“Yeah, I just… maybe it was a little too much today.”

Regina walked over, and sat down next to the blonde.

“What are you feeling?”

“Like… like I really want to puke.”

The older woman gave her a sympathetic look.

“Okay. That’s bound to happen sometimes. I understand.” She paused for a moment. “Is there… anything you would rather be doing right now than getting rid of your stomach contents?”

“There are many things I’d like to do right now…”

Regina smiled. “Anything that’s actually possible?”

Emma looked up. Regina’s eyes were warm, and suddenly, she didn’t know how to hold back anymore.

“Possible, yes. Probably not anything you’d want to do too, though.”

Regina moved closer, playing with a strand of Emma’s long blonde hair.

“Try me. If you could do anything right now, what would you do?”

Emma looked down at the brunette’s hand. Barely audible, she said “I would kiss you.”

A soft voice whispered into her ear “you’d have to look at me to do that”, so Emma raised her head again. The look in Regina’s eyes almost drove her crazy. Lust, compassion, worry, want, love… The brunette cupped Emma’s cheek with one hand, and Emma closed the distance between them.

It was a soft and tentative kiss. Just skin on skin. When their lips separated again, Regina pulled Emma into an embrace, resting the blonde’s head on her shoulder, stroking her hand up and down the other woman’s back. Neither of them made any attempt to let go, and after a while, Regina pulled the both of them down into a lying position, and covered them up with Emma’s blanket.

And then she held Emma, just like the blonde had held her all those nights ago, except this time, something had changed, and she didn’t want to think about having to let go again.


	8. Softer, Softest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, you know, just hurt and comfort, because it's one of those days. Trigger warning for self-loathing and shit.

Emma couldn’t fall asleep until it was almost time to get up again. She just laid there, taking comfort and warmth from Regina. She felt safer than she had in a long time, but she was on the verge of a panic attack, for some reason unknown to her. When the brunette’s body relaxed behind her, and she’d fallen asleep, Emma couldn’t get her thoughts to stop racing.

_She only kissed you so you wouldn’t freak out and puke. You’re just a warm body to her. You’ll never play soccer again, who are you trying to fool? Neal only pretended to recognize you, MM probably told him what to do. She probably hated every second of her visit. Regina feels amazing, too bad it’s not real. You are so disgusting, why would she even want to touch you? You never asked if she even wanted to kiss you, you practically forced her. You raped her. You’re just another rapist in her life. You should have died. I wonder where she hides her blades. You’re not even good at fucking yourself up. Mulan was good at it. It should have been you. Regina wouldn’t cry over you like she did over Mulan. Her knee is touching your butt, nice. She feels safe. I never want her to let go. You don’t deserve her. You are just a big child, she’s a real woman. She’s probably used to rich beautiful women, not ratty nobodies like you are. You are not good enough for her. What the fuck is going on right now? Something’s not right with your head. Don’t freak out, don’t freak out, don’t freak out..._

The last thing she heard, before finally falling asleep, was Regina’s sleep-drunken voice saying “Emma, you’re thinking too loud, go to sleep”.

When Emma woke up, the first thing she noticed was someone’s breath tickling the back of her neck. 

The second thing she noticed were breasts pressing into her back. _So soft._

The third thing Emma noticed was a hand on her stomach. The one part of her body she never let anyone touch. Her breath hitched for a moment, and then she softly took the hand, and pushed it up to her hip. Sleeping Regina wasn’t having any of that though, and her hand slipped back down to the soft middle of Emma’s body, holding on tighter.

Emma stiffened, and she felt panic rise in her chest. She carefully moved forward towards the edge of the bed, away from the brunette behind her. The loss of touch woke Regina, and she she pushed herself up on her elbow, sleepily.

“Emma? You ‘kay?”

Emma didn’t turn around, ashamed of herself, embarrassed to tell Regina the truth.

“I’m sorry”, she whispered. “I get stupid about my tummy.”

Regina frowned. “Your tummy? Is it hurting?”

Emma moved to lie on her back, turning her head towards Regina.

“No, just… oh god, this is so dumb. I’m so stupid.”

The older woman winced. “I disagree. Can you tell me what just happened?”

Emma closed her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Regina. I know it’s weird. It’s just, it’s the one part of my body that I’ve never let anyone touch. I’ve always felt like it’s huge, and it’s where all of my issues happen, and I just feel so disgusting, and I can’t…” Tears were spilling from her closed lids now. 

Regina stroked Emma’s cheek, wiping away the tears. Then she slapped her own forehead. “Oh Emma, I grabbed your belly, didn’t I? You… god, I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have just assumed…”

Emma interrupted her, trying to cry and speak at the same time. “Regina, stop it. You didn’t know! And you were sleeping, not assuming. And I’m not having this big old freakout just because you did a perfectly normal thing. I have been feeling off all night. It had nothing to do with you, please believe me, it was the most… wonderful feeling ever, being in your arms. My stupid head is just screwing everything up again, like it always does. I’d run if I were you.”

The brunette hadn’t seen Emma like this before, ever. In the weeks they had known each other, the blonde had appeared so strong, and Regina suddenly realized that even if she was not using disordered behaviours anymore, she was still as vulnerable as the day she had arrived. She just hadn’t shown anyone, so far. She slid her arm under Emma’s head, making the blonde lie on her shoulder.

“I certainly will not run. A little craziness has never put me off.” She winked at Emma. “And I know it doesn’t mean anything right now, but I think that every part of you is absolutely beautiful.”

That made Emma cry harder. Through her tears, she muttered “says the most perfect woman in the world”.

“Emma, look at me. Nobody is perfect. Have you seen my arms? And you know what? What fun would it be if we were?”

Emma sniffled. “I’m sorry.”

“Will you stop apologizing? We all have our little things. And I’ll try not to do it again, and if you want, I can take you the other way around from now on, so I don’t accidentally do it in my sleep.” Emma snickered at her wording. _Also, from now on???_ “Mind out of the gutter, gorgeous, or I will have to bend you over my knee.” She winked at the blonde again. “But seriously, I’m glad you told me. And I respect and understand your feelings, but I won’t let you put yourself down. Got it?”

Emma chuckled and cried at the same time. She buried her face in Regina’s armpit, and said “got it”.

“Get your face out of my smelly place, Miss Swan!”

Emma took a deep breath, and tried to laugh, which made her hiccup. “This is your smelly place? Well I’ll be damned.”

Regina playfully slapped the blonde’s arm. “Don’t be gross. Let’s go have breakfast, okay?”

The younger woman cringed. She really didn’t want to deal with breakfast. Her feelings were all over the place, and she was not sure about herself, and she would just much rather hide.

Regina pulled her out of her thoughts when she said “I know it’s hard right now. But they will make you eat, so wouldn’t you rather just do it for me?” Emma rolled her eyes. “That’s manipulation, you know.” Regina smiled. “I know. Okay, but this isn’t. I meant what I said. You are so beautiful, Emma.” The blonde looked at her like she had grown horns, so Regina put her forehead against Emma’s, and kissed her nose. “One day you will believe me.” Emma smiled a pained smile. 

Then, she suddenly thought about the night’s intrusive thoughts.

“Regina? Did you want me to kiss you, or did you just not want to hurt my feelings?”

The brunette thought for a moment, and Emma was getting nervous. 

“Ask me.”

“Ask you what?”

“The question I asked you right before you said you wanted to kiss me.”

“Okay. What would you do right now if you could do anything?”

Regina slung her arms around Emma’s neck, and pressed the softest kiss ever on her lips. Then, she pulled back, and said “you were asking...?”, and then, she surged forward again, and really kissed Emma. Just lips, and a little nibbling, but it felt heavenly. When they separated, the brunette hugged the blonde, and said “Of course I wanted you to kiss me, beautiful girl. I may be a mental patient, but I’m not an idiot!” Emma grinned.

“Will you be okay if I leave you alone for a moment? My bladder is yelling at me.”

Emma, still feeling Regina’s lips on her own, smiled and nodded, and Regina went into the bathroom.

When she came back out a minute later, the blonde was still sitting on her bed, but she was crying again. Regina sat down next to her, and wrapped her arms around her, softly stroking her back. “My sweet Emma. Are you having a hard day?” Emma nodded into her chest. “Will you go to therapy later?” The blonde nodded again. “Would you like to sit here for a bit?” Emma just nodded and sobbed. “I don’t know, I’m sorry”, she whispered, “I hoped I was done with this bullshit”. Regina’s heart hurt, she knew from experience that some things you’re never done with, and all you could do was get through them somehow, again and again. ”Shh”, she whispered, “don’t apologize. It’s okay, let it go.” Emma cried harder, crumbling in Regina’s arms.

Belle came to the door, and stopped when she saw them. She asked Regina “do you need anything?”, and the brunette shook her head no, indicating that she could handle it. “Okay, she’ll see Dr Gold in half an hour, I will come get her if she’s not out by then.” She turned around to leave, then hesitated, and said “You’ve come a long way, Regina!” With that, she was gone.

Regina looked after her in surprise. It had been easy, being close to Emma. Easier than it had been with anyone else, in fact. She wasn’t sure what that meant, but she had an idea. She looked down at the blonde crying in her arms, body shaken by sobs, and she thought that she had never wanted to protect anyone more than this woman, except Henry, but he was a child. She threaded her fingers through Emma’s blonde locks, losing herself in the softness of the other woman. She rested her cheek on Emma’s head. 

_You never meant for this to happen. Your heart has ten locks, and somehow, she has opened them all. There is no way she feels the same, because what you feel is already too much, you have already gone too far. How could she want you? She’s a free spirit, she’s a bird with broken wings. You, you are a really well-trained dog, keeping up appearances. You have perfected the art of sparkling on the outside while rotting on the inside. You’re not good enough for her._

She shook her head to get rid of her thoughts. Emma looked up at her with bloodshot eyes. She tried to straighten herself and sit up, and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, but Regina cupped her cheeks with both of her hands, and stroked the hair out of her face.

“Emma”, she said. “Let me be there for you.”

Emma slumped back into her arms.


	9. She Walks On Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: mentions of eating disorder behaviours, self harm, scars, sexual abuse, etc. Please be safe!

Throughout the day, Emma kept coming back to Regina, asking for a hug, or a kiss, and Regina happily took her in her arms, or just sat with her for a while. She didn’t try to push herself on the blonde, but she didn’t have to. Emma had opened up to her, and Regina knew how hard that was for the younger woman, because she was the same.

Emma went to all her therapies, and even to yoga class, but Regina could tell that she wasn’t her usual self. She looked sad, and tired, and the brunette was worried that she was having a relapse, and getting worse again.

After dinner, Regina went to take a shower. The cubicle was in a little room separated from the actual bathroom. She had just turned off the water, when she heard a noise in the other room. She quickly grabbed her towel, and wrapped it around herself. Then she stepped into the bathroom.

Emma was bent over the toilet, throwing up. Regina felt bad interrupting the private moment, but she couldn’t get into the bedroom without the blonde noticing. She quietly walked over to Emma, and pulled her hair out of her face.

“Don’t”, Emma breathed. “Please. I don’t want you to see this.”

“It’s okay. I’ll be in the bedroom if you need me.”

Regina bent down and placed a kiss on Emma’s head. Then she opened the door, and walked into the bedroom. She sat down on her bed, and waited. After a while, she heard the toilet flush, and then the water run. After another few moments, the door slowly opened, and Emma tentatively came into the room. She sat down on her own bed, and rested her forehead in her propped-up hands.

“I feel better now”, the blonde whispered. Regina smiled at her gently.

“Do you want to talk about it?”, she asked.

The blonde looked up at her. “I don’t think there really is much to talk about. It just kind of boiled over, you know?”

“I do.”

“I didn’t realize you were in there. I wouldn’t have…”

“I know. And I’m sorry I walked in on you.”

They smiled at each other, and Regina reached her hand out across the space between the two beds. Emma took it, and they just sat in silence for a few minutes.

Then, Emma said “Regina…” The brunette looked at her expectantly. “Regina?” A smile spread across Emma’s face. “What? Why do you keep saying my name like that?”

Emma snickered.

“Regina…”

“Oh for god’s sake, what?”, Regina laughed.

“Your towel…”

Regina looked down, and realized that her towel had unwrapped a little, revealing a generous amount of cleavage.

Smirking, she said “never seen breasts, Miss Swan?”

“Not these!”, Emma exclaimed.

“Well enjoy them while you can, I’m getting cold, I need to get dressed.”

Emma quickly pulled Regina off the bed, and towards her. When they were both sitting on the floor, Emma let go of Regina’s hand, and wrapped her arms around the brunette. “Thank you”, she whispered. She reached behind the older woman, pulled her blanket off the bed, and wrapped it around the brunette. “For everything.” She sat back against her own bed, and pulled Regina into her lap. “Come here, burrito.” Regina giggled. She couldn’t use her arms, because they were inside the blanket, so she just bent her head down, and kissed Emma softly. The blonde pulled back, and asked “you’re not disgusted after what I just did?”

Regina shook her head, and kissed her again. “No.”

Emma slid her hand beneath the blanket, and took Regina’s. The weight of the brunette’s body against her own felt incredible, and she started rubbing circles into Regina’s palm with her thumb. Regina closed her eyes, and touched Emma’s forehead with her own. “May I touch your arm?”, the blonde suddenly asked. Regina flinched. “You’re not disgusted?”, she echoed Emma’s question. The blonde smiled. “Never.”

“Okay.”

Emma tenderly slid her fingers across the marked skin of the brunette’s arm. She caressed all the raised lines, and all the ridges. Regina put her head on Emma’s shoulder. She sighed softly, and kissed the blonde’s neck. When Emma reached her shoulder, she trailed her fingers across her collarbone, and then did the same with the other arm. Regina relaxed completely, warmth flooding her body as the blonde touched her so intimately.

“You are beautiful. Every single part of you.”

Regina didn’t try to stop the tears from falling. Emma felt them wet on her own skin, and she pulled her hand out, and hugged the brunette close.

“Does Henry know about your scars?”

“He does. But he thinks an illness caused them. Which is as close to the truth as I could go when he was little. He won’t believe that much longer, I’m sure.”

Emma nodded.

“How long have you been doing it?”

“I… was very young when I got married. I’d just turned eightteen. I didn’t want to marry him, but I thought I had to, because it was what my mother wanted. Anyway. Leopold wasn’t… I was so young, Emma… and he wanted things that I wasn’t ready for. He…”

“Regina, you don’t have to…”

“I know, but I need to… he took what he wanted, and he wanted so much, Emma…”

Emma rested her cheek on Regina’s head.

“I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what you had to go through. You deserve so much more.”

“I started hurting myself so he would not want me anymore. But he didn’t care. And then it just became something I did so I could get through the days and nights.”

Emma stroked her hand up and down Regina’s back.

“Your nightmares, are they about him?”

Regina nodded. “It’s like he’s raping me all over again, every time.”

“I want to find him and kill him”, Emma said.

The brunette smiled. “Too late. He died in a car crash a couple of months ago. I didn’t deal with it too well, and that’s why I’m here. I hadn’t seen him in years, but I guess his death just really brought everything back. Once again.”

Emma whispered “He will never hurt you again. And if it was up to me, nobody else would, either.”

The brunette kissed Emma’s shoulder, and the blonde freed Regina from her blanket.

“Are you okay?”

Regina nodded, and pressed herself into Emma’s body. “Yes, thank you. But now I’m cold again.”

“Go get dressed. I will go see if I can find something to eat in the kitchen. Dinner kinda didn’t stick.” She winked. The older woman got up, and smiled at her. “Are you okay too?”

“I am now, thanks to you. Oh, and Regina. Thank you for trusting me.”

“You make it easy.”

Emma blew her a kiss, and left the room.

***

That night, they went to sleep in the same bed. It felt natural, and before sleep took them, Emma grabbed Regina’s hand and placed it on the naked skin of her stomach, under her top. “I trust you too”, she said sleepily, and Regina smiled and closed her eyes.


End file.
